Feeling lonely, sad and slightly overwhelmed makes me want to shop. Put everything in my cart. If I’m buying food, then fill up my cart so I can go home and fill up my face. I am feeling a huge void now that nothing can replace.
It’s not just that I’m lonely. I feel abandoned by love. For example, I loved my husband. He was there for five short years of marriage. Then he left for heaven. Gone. Which feels so very much like my father. My father loved me like crazy for five years. His love was far too crazy and toxic for anyone’s sensibilities, so then he was gone. Gone for years which felt like forever. And today he is still checked out.
I’m here again: Alone. There have been times in my life when I felt gloriously freed by my singleness. But not now. Now it still hurts. I want it to stop.
The alternative is worse. I cannot imagine the quality of romantic relationship I would end up in were I to pursue one now. Not a good option at all.
I just don’t see it or feel it. I just don’t know how to get from here to there, but somehow I am doing it. I am doing it.
I am meeting my loneliness, greeting the sorrow. Maybe one day we’ll be friends.
Hello. I feel like I know you.